Divorced Over 40? Don’t waste your time dating this guy.

Divorced over 40? Have kids? Here’s some very important dating advice you need to hear.

What’s this earth shattering, paradigm shifting information I need to lay upon you?

_divorced over 40 don't waste your time dating this guy

Don’t waste your time dating a man over 40 who’s never been married and had kids.

There I said it. Harsh but completely true. So why do I make this huge ass generalization?

1. If you’ve never had kids, you still think the world revolves around you. 

Once you’ve had the pleasure of cleaning the diaper of a small screaming human, or paying $120 to see Dora the Explorer Live on Stage, you realize that you are now way on down the list of importance. To be a parent means to realize that what you want now means nothing at all. You officially don’t mean sh#$.

If you’ve never had kids, you don’t understand that. If you are a single male, you believe that you are number one. Silly, silly person.

2. You are a parent. You can take anything. 

Parenting gives you perspective. Spilling your latte doesn’t upset you that much. A full Spin class is a bummer but not a life changer; certainly not the same level of upset as discovering your child’s racked up a cellphone bill of over $358 in one month.

Being a parent teaches you that lots of crappy little stuff happens but as long as everyone gets home in one piece, it’s a good day.

3. Parenting teaches you flexibility. 

Being a parent, you’re used to the quick change of plans. Anything can happen at anytime and you know that. Someone vomits in their backpack on the way to school and suddenly you are working from home that day.

Date night? Not so much since the sitter canceled.

Over 40 males? Inflexible with a capital “I”.

Had a few dates with a man who was 45, never married, no kids. His entire refrigerator was categorized by shelves with its own Excel spreadsheet. Put the coconut water on the top shelf by mistake and thought he was going to collapse in his granite perfection of a kitchen in a full on seizure. Can you say over 40 Freak Show?

4. Being married before means you are brave enough to make a commitment. 

Yes, we’ve been married and our marriages failed but at least we had the courage to say I Do.

Maybe we failed miserably but we took the walk down the aisle, threw the wedding bouquet and put ourselves in debt to have a kick ass party. At least we tried. Men who’ve made it to 40 and can’t commit? Let them go.

Don’t believe their professions that they just haven’t found “someone”. They are single for real reasons. Fear of commitment. Being emotionally unavailable. Or just because they are big fat selfish douche bags.

I dated one man who whined about how women didn’t understand him, that everyone he cared for left him. Yes, yes, they did. All the women with any intelligence and self worth did leave when they figured out he was a narcissistic asswipe with the emotional maturity of a five year old.

Leave these men to embarrass themselves and date cocktail waitresses who are 22. Women  so young and naive that they can’t discern their emotional disabilities.

Here’s my advice.  Want a real shot at happiness? Find yourself a man who’s been married before. Find a man who’s had kids. Someone who knows what its like to drive carpool. To hold his wife’s hand in the hospital. Someone who’s got battle scars and loss. Find a real man, not a self involved 40 something man child.

Is this post harsh? Probably. I just have to save my ladies some time and tell the unvarnished truth. Men who are over 40 and never married are worth their weight in trouble. Walk away.

Have you dated a man who’s over 40, never married and no kids? How did it turn out? 

xoxo-Rosie

 

 

Comments

  1. says

    Listen I really like reading your blog, but this is as offensive as a post telling men to say away from divorced women with kids because they’re “used up”. How about maybe judge the person you meet and don’t preemptively dismiss people based on some perceived notion of who they are.

    • Anonymous says

      This is right on Richard. I normally love our author’s work. I see a lot of resentment here that is being protected on innocent guys . The world is filled with a lot shitty dudes. I get it. But because I never married or knocked a woman up, I’m not worthy. Maybe guys who didn’t marry the wrong person, have kids, and get divorced aren’t evil. Maybe that’s actually maybe and thinking of others…

      I can’t even type out that sentence about cleaning a child–the word is vile.

      I’ve read enough of this usual outstanding blog to know , other things are here be it lingering anger from a divorce and childhood issues.

      Let’s not slam all men. We have issues, all of us. Let’s be open minded. Not so angry. But, I’m a therapist so what do I know?

      • says

        Glad you liked my previous post and sorry if this one was disturbing. Do I have some lingering anger and unresolved issues? Is the Pope Catholic? Thanks for commenting and sharing a man’s point of view. I’m always interested in hearing the other side of things.

  2. says

    Great article!!

    Yes, I made that mistaking after many years of not dating, but just raising my son and taking care of my elderly terminally ill mother who I loved and adored. When my son left and went to college and my mom passed away I felt like I had no one else to look after, nobody who needed me. So I figured I get back out there and start dating again and man, what a reality check. Let me state for the record I made sure I was emotionally healthy and ready to date and wasn’t looking for anybody to make me happy or fill a void. Also was not interested in marriage, just exclusive companionship.

    I found out the hard way that yes, you need to be very cautious with men who are over forty and have no children or have never made a life commitment to anyone. Chances are that’s exactly the way they want things to stay. Also be weary of those who are newly divorced coming from a long-term marriage because more likely than not they are just ‘not only that relationship, tons of hang over effects (emotionally, mentally, etc) from the divorce. I feel for the newly divorced man, stay away from those men until they are at least 5 years removed from their divorce.

    • says

      thank you for sharing your experiences. yes, I too had to figure out that most men who are over 40 and have never married or had kids had a problem with commitment. And I had to find out the hard way too unfortunately! It sounds like you were in a very healthy place emotionally and able to determine what was best for you. Sounds like you’ve done a truly great job of moving on and getting your life back together. (And btw I love your blog posts on sassy shoes and boots!!)

  3. Marek says

    I will be 40 in about 3 weeks, but have been married for 11 years and have 3 kids. I will also most likely be divorced in the next year.

    I very much agree with what you wrote. From the perspective of being on the road to becoming the guy that you described and that was averted through the influence of my wife and children. I can see how the last decade has made me much more flexible and patient. The many years of ups and downs give you an understanding of commitment, where it does become a scary thing, but also not something to be taken lightly.

    Unfortunately, as I mentioned above, divorce is very likely in my future. However, it will end up being another life lesson and way to continue maturing as I go through the process and try to handle it with integrity, compassion and grace. (No, it is not me asking for the divorce, but it is quickly becoming obvious to both my wife and I this is what is best for each of us and our children.)

    • says

      you are so brave. thank you for your comments. I’m truly sorry that a divorce is on the horizon for you. I do hope that it can be amicable and easy on your kids. I’m so glad that you took the chance to get married, it sounds like you got so much out of the relationship even if it doesn’t last forever, it does sound like the marriage did have many good things about it. Good for you for viewing it as a life lesson to learn from. Prayers that your divorce goes well and that you and your ex can remain friends and active, committed co-parents.

  4. shelly says

    I learned about marrying a “never been married 47 yr old bachelor” the hard way!
    I was married and divorced in my twenties, focused on career in my thirties and met my ex husband when I was 38.
    I did wonder if his 20 plus years of being a bachelor with only 2 ( 1 yr each) long term relationships was a red flag.
    But he portrayed that with me he finally found the right woman- a fact his large family also touted.
    Our goal was to have a baby and live happily ever after- as realistic as two educated adults.
    Unfortunately we faced, infertility, cervical cancer and his huge adjustment of having to deal with a partner ( or inconvenience )
    Needless to say, he came home one day ( while I was still recovering) and said
    “I’m filing, it’s too hard, when you were sick it weighed on me”
    I definitely married an emotionally immature, selfish man.

    I’m sure there are exceptions to the author’s theory but I also believe that an over 40 bachelor has never had to account for anyone else other than himself.
    And I would tell any woman to RUN!

    • says

      Thank you for sharing your story! So sorry that you had to learn this the hard way. I dodged some bullets dating men who’d never been married or had kids. They truly don’t realize how much being alone for so long has kept them from being able to be in a relationship with another person. I hate to say it but maybe “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” might be true.

  5. says

    Well that pushed some buttons! 😀 I am happily married (finally, after three goes at it!). We are now both 60 and met when we were almost 45 – we were both divorced and had children. I am pretty sure I would not have been attracted to a childless batchelor, had I met one back then. When I met my husband, I loved the fact that he totally understood the demands of being a parent and having to put children first. He understood the hassles you get with teens and we were completely in tune in that respect. I found it attractive that he was ‘in the know’ about all that stuff and just would not have felt comfortable with a man who was used to the single, childless life and possibly, the ‘unspoiled’ bodies of childless women.

    And on another note, I have many friends of 50 plus who would dearly love a partner but are finding that men their age don’t ‘see’ them, They seem to lust after younger women and can be very harsh about women their own age despite having horrible beer bellies, comb-overs and bad teeth. Don’t these men have mirrors?

    • says

      It so gives me hope that you found someone who sounds so well matched to you. I found exactly that, men who’d never had kids just didn’t understand what being a parent is all about. I learned quickly that the only men that I connected with already had kids and understood that my daughter is my first priority. And yes, I know so many delusional men who are way over 40 with horrible beer guts and bald comb overs who lust after 20 year old women. Do they not have a mirror or a clue!?

  6. says

    Don’t mind the haters, I completely agree with you. Your kids are part of the deal, that is one reason and it is hard to take someone seriously at that age who shows no propensity for making a commitment. Long term relationships count in my book. My now husband was in a very long relationship (20 years) and so I considered that marriage, and honestly someone who doesn’t have kids can’t comprehend what it means
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  7. Mel says

    I’m currently dating a man that is 54, never married and no children……He is exactly what I was looking for….I was married for 27 years and raised 4 children….when that marriage ended…I knew that there were a few things I definitely didn’t want to deal with….a crazy ex and small children. My boyfriend is extremely committed to me.
    I’m so very lucky to have my ideal man!

  8. Jack says

    I did find this interesting. However being married for over 13 years but with no kids not all of us men are like this. I wanted children she didn’t. So out of our love for each other we decided not to.

    However going through a divorce and seeing she was never fully in the marriage strengthened me. There are huge trust issues still due to her but we do learn.

    I am currently helping my best female friend of 15+ years co-parent her son and I love it. No I am not his father nor do I try to be. She is an exceptional woman and awesome mother and i love just being involved. He came along as my world was crashing and I didn’t think twice. She needed help I stepped in. I guess it’s an unusual situation.

    However try to remember not all of us are like this. Yes there are many douchebag guys out there but keep in mind alot of us have a heart of gold and want to feel needed and loved and be the man we were raised to be

  9. Coldtruth says

    Definitely there are men over forty who never married, have no children, who aren’t willing to commit and give of themselves in a relationship, or capable of it.

    That said some of the most selfish people I’ve ever known are married parents who don’t give a damn about their kids or anyone but themselves. It really depends on the person.

  10. says

    Im Switzerland on this I’ve dated the world revolves around me type no kids no marriage under their belt…. And im currently dating a man who in others eyes this could possibly be the guy your speaking of (its not) because he’s dated the way younger than him girls and was all me,me,me,me,…. Guess what though along came this chick (me) with 3 children 2 teenage daughters(15,& 13) and a 14 month old Lil boy and guess what happened yes this man changed right before everyone’s eyes and another thing he’s this Lil boys daddy in every way possible sure there isn’t any DNA linking them that way but this Lil boy is number one in his eyes and comes first. My teenagers love this man to death as well and he cares for them also but they are always off doing things with friends so not that close of a bond with him and the girls. But with him and my Lil man that bond is there…. So that’s why I’m stuck in between agreeing and disagreeing on this blog… By the way we have been together for 2 years and couple months….so I’m gonna say this if someone is generally interested in the person with children and visa versa then it can work out if both ppl are willing to work it out together sure there has been difficulties over these past two years but there is going to always be some kind of issues to work through and resolve at some point correct? Point being this doesn’t apply to all men or women over 30, 40, or any age. Because first off you’re forgetting that relationships take work whether its young,new,or old it takes work, caring,and understanding&love. I’m sorry you had a bad experience but don’t let that one bad experience keep you from dating a non married non kids type a fella again. All experiences bring lessons so give it a shot again but use the lesson you learned from your past experience as an instruction manual. Ppl ask me all the time when I’m going to get married again and I had always replied ” never I learned my lesson the first time” which was only partly right I did learn lessons but if and when the question comes up again my new reply will be ” when we see fit to tie the knot I guess”! Because sure I learned lessons but I’m also intelligent and brave enough to take that giant leap of faith again on marriage…. Because I can’t let one bad apple ruin the whole bunch. And no one should let that happen because we as ppl aren’t exactly alike God created us all with differences and difference of ooinions ect…. Maybe this makes a Lil bit of sense.

  11. ScarLet says

    Completely disagree… I’ve been dating exactly such a man for a year and a half. He’s been selfless and all around absolutely wonderful with my children. You can tell with how he treats them that he wants to be a father figure to them. He’s hinted at marriage and had no trouble being committed to me and we are planning a future together. Compared to the other divorced single dads I dated before him he’s been a breath of fresh air and embodies all the qualities of the kind of man we need in our life.

  12. Alex says

    Sooo true!! Although a few years passed from this article. I have had the painful experience of a divorce. Searched for my college boyfriend in FB, found him, fell more in love with him than back 17 years ago. Moved in with him after he pleaded for us not to waste TIME, and found out the hard way. That a man who has not been in a long term relationship, nor kids, pets, anything to take care of; is a man to run away from not to him. Hahaha. However, I was lucky enough that my brain took over and I left within 5 months, even though I was so heart broken that literally felt I couldnt breathe from the emotional pain I felt. But life comes with amazing lessons and I have never been happier on my own with the most amazing company of them all…my dogs.
    Great article and I hope other women save themselves from these soul sucking men.

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