Long Distance Co-Parenting Rules. 6 tips I’ve learned for parenting when your ex is miles apart. 

(A guest post from Kyla, writer and parent.)

I’m west coast and her father is east coast. He and I are mostly past the anger phase and occasionally have pleasant conversations in which we talk about what is up with our new teenager or gossip about our families. We split the cost of travel. Even with occasional hiccups, we have the best of a long distance co-parenting situation.

And it is still incredibly hard. There’s no way around that.

I was going to give you a bossy how to guide full of “shoulds”. Maybe it is best if I just tell you what I have learned from my own experience parenting after my divorce. This is what works for us and based upon conversations with many parents in similar situations, here are co-parenting rules to help you and your ex navigate co-parenting after a divorce.

First some Real Talk ……….

1. Everybody Will Feel Resentful.

Maybe you’ve heard that saying that the best deal is one where everyone goes away equally unhappy? Long distance Co-parenting is a lot like that. You are resentful because it all falls on you. ALL. OF. IT! And there are no breaks.

No matter how involved the other parent wants to be there is only so much that can be done from a distance. They resent the time that you get to spend with the child. Our daughter looks like a completely different child every time he sees her. I understand that must be hard. You resent that they look like a superhero just for showing up. They feel like they are missing all the “special” moments. You feel like they only participate in the “special” moments and you’d like them to occasionally field an “unspecial” moment. The only thing that can help, is to acknowledge what is happening.

We have agreed to an exchange.

I keep him informed and as involved as possible regarding the minutiae and the milestones. He has to listen (with both ears) when parenting a teenager gets challenging.

Take pictures, send progress reports, and ship some of those school projects that are cluttering up the house.

Ask for input. Parenting is supposed to be a two person job. Maybe it will help to kick it around together. It also lets the other parent know that they are still a valued member of the parenting team. And make sure that you’ve got the holiday schedule worked out well in advance. (Here’s a post with some Holidays Co-Parenting Tips to help in that regard. ) At the beginning that may be really difficult.

That’s why it’s important to…

2. Keep the Lines of Communication Open.

One of the most important co-parenting rules:

Skype, Text, Snapchat, email and take their calls. Because the other parent is not within easy commuting distance it is important that they feel that they have access.

A great tool is to keep a group calendar. The Cozi family app and organizer has a group calendar, lists and shareable events. (Cozi is often recommended by divorce court-appointed mediators and therapists.) It’s a neutral place to keep both parents in the loop on activities.

I want to reiterate that I am aware that when the divorce is fresh having your ex continue to be a regular presence in your life is the last thing you want. You just want this person to evaporate but, you need to answer their third phone call of the week to update them on the parent-teacher conference. It won’t always feel like that.

Did the child do something particularly cute today?

Take a picture and send it to your ex. You can even upload and print and easily have it framed and shipped to your ex through the frame service, Frame Bridge.

It is a nice non-inflammatory way to keep your former spouse included on your child’s life. This is especially useful if your child is not old enough to initiate communications on their own. If your child is a little older but, doesn’t have their own phone or computer it might be a good idea for them to schedule a standing phone or skype date.

When your child does get their own electronic communication devices, encourage them to work it out for themselves. Get one thing off your plate.

If there is a time difference, it’s important that both sides are aware and respectful of each other’s schedules.  We’re a bi-coastal family and in order to prevent east coast/west coast rivalry, it is paramount that the time change be remembered and respected. If you wake me from a sound sleep and nobody’s life is in danger, the conversation will not be productive.

3. Teamwork makes the Dream work!

So you’re making an effort to keep your ex in the loop? That’s great but, that is merely step one.

You and your co-parenting partner need to get on the same page about the big stuff. Only you two know what those things are for your family (you are still family). Maybe it’s internet usage or spicy language.

A great way to set specific technology usage rules is to sign a technology contract with your child, like this tech usage contract from Common Sense Media.

Both of the co-parents need to enforce whatever position has been established regarding the issue. My daughter is a precious precious angel but, she can smell weakness and will use it to play one or both of us.

Even on the days when you can’t agree that the sky is blue you have to give the impression that you’re in agreement. Okay, I am now going to do a complete reverse.

4. But, what happens on the east coast stays on the east coast. 

It is important to have a line of demarcation. This is for your sanity and your child’s. My ex is a competent adult. I don’t always agree with his choices but, I believe in my heart of hearts that he would never let anything bad happen to her. That’s a mantra that I say to myself when I hear tales of helmetless dirt bike rides and/or horror movies. Different doesn’t necessarily mean wrong. 

You will make yourself crazy if you are trying to run your household and theirs. Enjoy your downtime and trust that they will work it out.

Does your co-parenting plan include your child flying alone? Then, check out the rules I’ve learned for unaccompanied minors flying alone.

It is also important that your child knows that they are allowed to have fun and like any new additions to the family. If they know that then they will want to talk to you about their week or summer away. Try to allow that. This is their life and they want to share it with you.

On the other hand, don’t pry. You’re going to be able to join the circus with a balancing act like that. You think you are such a master interrogator that they didn’t notice that they were being interrogated. You’re not and they did. That makes them very uncomfortable and they’ll probably clam up. You don’t want that because sometimes there are things that you will hear that need to be addressed. You won’t ever get to hear those things if they won’t talk to you.

5. You Cannot Make the Relationship Happen!

This is very important. You have to let your child and your ex manage their relationship. Aside from logistics and keeping your ex aware of important schedule changes their relationship will be what it will be. You are not in charge of the frequency of their communications. They will speak when they want to. If Mom or Dad forgets important days or just doesn’t call very often the only thing you can do it be sympathetic and suggest your child tell their parent how they feel.

Do Not make excuses for them.

Do Not give them your unvarnished take on what’s going on with Mom or Dad.

Absolutely Do Not call your ex and give them a piece of your mind.

Seeing your child hurt makes you want to commit homicide. That is a terrible idea and I do not recommend it.

If your child is too young to state their feelings, then a gentle neutral voiced email in which you relay what happened and how your child felt is probably best. It brings the issue to the other parent’s attention and gives them the opportunity to fix it. Don’t send the email immediately. Write it and then come back to it the next day. Proof it and then let it sit one more day. If on the third day it does not appear to be an emotional letter bomb then send it.

It is also that you maintain reasonable expectations when communicating with your out of town child.

I’ll be honest, there is a part of me that would just like if my daughter would just leave Skype up and running on her phone the entire time she was gone. Then I could live stream her visit. Then I say to myself that that idea is both impractical and crazy. Also, they are having their time together and should be allowed to enjoy it without my constant presence.

6. Rinse and Repeat

This will take practice and it will be a while before it becomes natural. You will have an off day and say something that you shouldn’t. Apologize and get back to working the plan. When it happens on the other end and you don’t get an apology, do your best not to hold a grudge. Try to recognize when the button pushing begins (on both sides) and take evasive action. Cut the conversation short and try again tomorrow. Hopefully, with time, patience, practice and wine the two of you will be able to work together. You’re doing great! Everyone will be okay. Also, 18 will be here sooner than you think.

I’m Kyla, the divorced mother of a teenaged girl. I think that everyone can get out of divorce alive. I believe that when you look good you feel better, that everything tastes better outside and preferably on a rooftop and the right playlist can change your life or at least your day.