A few tips to survive those crazy, second thoughts you’ll have after filing for divorce.
Is it normal to have second thoughts about filing for divorce? Let me answer that in two simple words: Hell. Yes. If you’ve been in a marriage or relationship for a long time, it’s all you know. You’ve invested years of your life to this partnership, so of course you’ll have doubts. Should you question ending a long term marriage? Of course.
If, like my spouse and I, you simply grew apart. If there were no huge cosmic relationship explosions, second thoughts are a rational response.
If you built a family, memories, a life, had kids, but somewhere along the way you just lost your way as a couple, you’ll have doubts.
Most definitely, you are going to have questions, doubts and second thoughts.
From personal experience, I know it’s hard to leave a relationship that isn’t horrible. And it’s harder still to justify that leaving. To family, to friends and probably most of all, to yourself.
It’s often not so simple to decide to leave, and stay separated, when the marriage simply broke down or you grew apart. That’s a more difficult decision. Deciding to leave, and then sticking with that decision isn’t always an easy choice to make.
If the marriage wasn’t that bad, it can be a difficult decision to end the relationship.
If you’re on a boat that’s going down. Of course, you abandon ship. But if your marriage is more like a leaky old rowboat taking on water. What do you do? Jump ship or stay and bail it out?
Did I have second thoughts?
Hell yes, I had second thoughts. Many times. My marriage wasn’t bad. My ex is a good person. We have a child.
But in the end, a marriage between two people who could no longer communicate, who fought way too often, didn’t seem like a good environment to raise our child in. And so ultimately, we made the decision that separating and divorcing would be better for our child’s long term emotional health.
Ending our marriage was a tough decision, but it seemed like the best choice because in the end, my daughter has two parents who both love her beyond measure but now lived in separate houses.
Two houses with two happy people (who weren’t arguing) seemed like a better alternative for her to grow up in.
So if you’re having second thoughts about filing for divorce, know those second thoughts are completely normal.
If both you and your spouse are having doubts and feel strongly about working on your marriage, give it a go. Maybe a separation has allowed both of you the space to work on your own issues and become better partners.
But the decision to try again in your marriage, has to be a decision that both partners go in to willing and ready to work.
And so, here’s my suggestion: if you are having second thoughts about your separation, know that you’re not alone. It’s a normal part of any important decision. And filing for divorce is a huge decision.
Any rational person will have those thoughts. And know that those thoughts will more than likely subside as you grow your new life.
Did you have any second thoughts about your divorce?
View Comments (35)
I am so thankful for this post. Came at exactly the right time for me.
I am having second thoughts but husband feels this is for the best. I was angry when I moved out of the house. Now I realize I still love him and miss him
I filed for divorce first and am now having second thoughts. My husband is bipolar who refuses to take medication but he wants desperately to reconcile. At first I too was also angry when I moved out. But with the court date a month a way I'm second guessing my decision. I know how miserable I was in that marriage with the all-to-frequent highs and lows that damaged my outlook on him and marriage. We've been married 25 years and 22 of those were spent "cleaning up the mess" of his bipolar behavior. I suffered a stroke 5 years ago and that's when I felt myself pull away from him and our relationship. I had no medical reason for the stroke until the doctors discovered the stress I was living with.
I hope these second thoughts will go away because everyone I know says I'd be crazy to go back.
I would love to comment because I was in a similar situation and I ended up marrying him twice and ended up divorcing him twice. I lost 20 years trying to help my ex and get through his issues, in the end you lose yourself. Stay strong and move on, it’s not your job to fix him. I hope that’s not to harsh it’s a very painful road to go back to him.
Thank you for your post. I am married with a person who has a lot of mental health issues and has not wanted to seek help because he thinks God will fix everything and doesn't need medication. I have tried to make things work so much. But, its gotten to a point where I stopped caring all in all about him. I live a high stress life. He is controlling and manipulative but he is also an amazing dad. I want to file for divorce because all of my family and friends keep repeating over and over that I deserve to be happy and I am clearly not at the moment. I love him but no longer am I in love with him., Its so hard to take that step. and I continue to have second thoughts all of the time.
I feel like I wrote your comment... My husband is so selfish in every way but is an amazing Dad...
I just went through same thing finally filed papers friday waiting on them to be served now. Very nervous. I just wondered how your story turned out
I actually tried it one last time. It worked for a while. BUT ultimately,It didnt work. He went back to his old ways. I JUST filed and he will be served soon. Am I sad. Absolutely, do I still have second thoughts. Yes. All I think about is my son. He FINALLY decided to seek help. Once I started with the divorce. I am not willing to try it again. I am no longer in love with him. It is time I move on. But im still sad. It still hurts. These second thoughts kill me at times but then I remember WHY im doing this and I remember this is for me and my sons happiness.
I am in the same boat and feel there is no other decision as the multiole times I stated I cant live like this weren't listened too until divorce became real. I cant go back to that life for my own sanity but do 2nd guess myself. Thank you for posting, I feel so guilty but cant anymore just can't.
Thank you for writing this blog and allowing people to leave feedback. I am happy to know am not the only one . These feelings are normal. My husband and I have the same issues as described in the blog -
But in the end, a marriage between two people who could no longer communicate, who fought way too often, didn’t seem like a good environment to raise our child in. And so ultimately, we made the decision that separating and divorcing would be better for our child’s long term emotional health.
We are working through a separation and have these thoughts. We have one son, I need strength and courage to get through this.
I have filed for divorce and she moved to a different state. I was trying to move on and my 20 year old son said she wasnt getting out of bed and was very depressed. I will always love her, i reached out to her and she was so sad and i wanted to help her. I told her to come back but im feeling like im doing this so she wouldnt be so sad. I feel like i could be making a huge mistake and i dont want to hurt her again, what should i do?
It is so easy to feel guilty on filing for divorce. I am doing the same thing and I am frustrated that I did not do it faster. I slow rolled it based on her wishes. But what do I want? I have done so much for everyone else but not for me.
I read you are doing this for her. But what are you doing this for yourself? What makes you happy?
Back to my ex. She tells me the same thing. She is so sad but she is moving on. But I am tired of being manipulated. I want to find happiness.
I’ve been married 11 years two kids I feel my wife is the love of my life, we both have made mistakes in the marriage and this whole divorce process is tearing the family apart literally and emotionally I question if we made things worse...by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in life, is it worth it ?
I moved out after 30yrs together due to control, criticism, parenting, wasn’t giving him his affirmation, meeting his sexual needs, felt he didn’t get “a bone now and then”, he is 17 yrs older than me, I work retail, swing shifts, wacky hours, nearly every weekend, and in mgmt that required 50 hrs a week....you can only do so much, then you lose yourself..when you realize you are meant for more...it’s been a hard decision since I found out that within 30 days, he’s on a dating site, seeing/overnight with other women...I could see “moving on” but I hadn’t signed papers yet..until I discovered what occurred...now, I’m taking it one day at a time! He’s my first marriage and I can’t see another one...
Unless there is abuse whether physical and/or mental or some underlying problem like substance abuse, is there any issue they cannot be resolved if two people put aside their ego and forgive each other and make a real commitment to understanding each other’s issues and needs out of thei relationship? It takes two to tango so TJ speak and to bail on a long term commitment just seems hasty to me when you consider the rate if divorce of 80% for second and third marriages. Almost seems like you’re better off not marrying after the first one craps the bed. I’d rather try to fix the toaster than toss it away only to order a new one online. Yes. That was a dig at online dating because it’s a nightmare out there!!!
I agree completely and thanks for saying!
Will b more than a year since I left the house.. I left for valid reasons yet everyday I have doubts and I am scared. I get depress too and wonder Wat did I do and how am I goin to do this. I have 2 young daughters 12 and 16. I filed for divorce a few months ago. I worry so much bout the future. Ex won't give me child support and tells me that I choosed to leave but did ask him to leave and he won't. .
. I struggle financially and wonder bout the future. I feel guilty and I doubt myself and ask myself so many questions .
Hi, I have filed a few times but always go back. He has a mental illness and goes on and off meds all of the time. He is controlling, manipulative. His mother lives the same kind of life with his dad. I look at her and fear this will be my life forever! I filled in August, I rented an apartment, slowly been furnishing it for our sons. They are 9,17 . I have two grown daughters from a previous marriage, this time he has sent me very nasty messages about them. My daughters are aware of it and don't want anything to do with him. The marriage has affected my health severely, I know I need to make the move and move out but now I'm scared. He is begging for me to try again!
A lot of these posts mention that their spouse is incredibly selfish or mentally abusive but " is an incredible dad'. When you have frequent fights with your spouse the kids feel that underlying tension and it impacts them whether you try to hide it or not. Unless you both are trying to seek help, him being an incredible dad has nothing to do with it. Your only an incredible spouse when you can show your kids how you honor their mother by respect and consideration. If there is none of that, there's no love and no love being taught. The kids learn to disrespect you too! You gotta break that cycle if no help is being sought after.