Do you ever wonder if you really have the guts to file for divorce?
I had dinner last night with three friends who are in various stages of divorce. Our situations are each a little different. One’s divorce has been final for a few years, another friend’s separation has been dragging on for two years so far, and another is just beginning the painful process of telling their children, friends and family that they had decided to split up.
Their situations are different but what each of these woman had in common was bravery. Each woman was brave enough to file for divorce. In each of these cases, there wasn’t physical or emotional abuse which would make divorce a necessity. So when do you decide to end a marriage that isn’t working for both spouses? When do you decide that arguing and yelling in front of your kids isn’t helping but instead hurting them? When do you decide that your own life and happiness matter? Each of these ladies were strong enough to step out into the darkness and pray for the light.
The title of author Susan Jeffers’ book says it best:
“Feel the fear and do it anyway.”
The decision to file for divorce wasn’t taken lightly. In each of these cases, there was counseling, many attempts at making the relationships work. Each woman tried again and then tried some more to make the marriage work so that if it did end, she knew she had tried everything possible to save the marriage.
And in each case, it was the woman who finally found the courage and bravery to file for divorce and end a marriage that had long since stopped being a loving relationship. Women are usually the ones who will express their unhappiness in marriages that don’t work, and for some reason, they are also the ones who are brave enough to end it. Even when both spouses are unhappy, men will stick around. Are men too afraid of being alone? Too afraid of the difficulty of starting over?
Some women decide to stick it out. They can’t find the courage to strike out on their own. They send out beautiful Christmas cards of their smiling family each holiday season. The glossy photo doesn’t show that they live separate lives of silence, the heartfelt holiday greeting doesn’t say they haven’t been intimate in years. For these women, that is the best decision. They make it work somehow.
But for the three friends I just spent time with that simply isn’t an option anymore. These three women decided that their lives and happiness were worth more than a failed relationship. They were going to take a gamble, place a bet that that there was something, and maybe someone, better for them out there.
It’s like going to Las Vegas and spinning a huge roulette wheel. Will I end up old, alone and covered in cat hair? Or will I find a happy new life? There are no sure things in life and certainly not in divorce.
Have you filed for divorce? How did you find the courage to call it quits?
View Comments (7)
I was married to a Narcissistic alcoholic. I chose to stay to protect my children. I never went out of town and left them alone with this man. My plan was to wait until they went to college and I would file for divorce. He met a old college girlfriend when my twins were in the 8th grade. After some couples counseling and realizing I was not as crazy as he had me think, I filed for divorce! His plan was we could live in the same house, raise the kids together and him do his own thing!
As for myself, I am glad to be divorced from this man. Really bothered him that I filed and not him.
Tammy, I cannot imagine what it must have been like to live with a man like that. To be with someone who you had to monitor so closely all the time and couldn't leave your chidren alone with. How awesome that you filed for divorce. (And, um, did he really expect you to be OK with him doing "his thing" while you just pretended like everything was OK??) He truly does sound like the definition of a narcissist. Congrats on being free from this man! And that you were the one to file on him must have made him narcissist mind crazy! So glad you are free!!
I've been thinking about divorce for a while, and I'm so confused. Your blog resonates with me: the Christmas cards and the gambling! I'd love to hear more people tell how they finally made the choice to "leap" or to "dig in."
What epiphany came to them? What experience or words made them have the resolve to stay or go?
Divorce or even just the thought of it can be so confusing. It is hard to know when the right time to actually make the leap or as you say, dig in. That's a great idea to find out stories from other women, I'm going to post on the Round and Round Rosie Facebook page and see what other women say was there moment of epiphany.
I have been married for 13 years, we have 4 kids 2 from his previous relationship. My step kids has been with us since we got married we have an amazing relationship. There mom an I are friends , we did all this for the kids. But my husband on the other hand is controlling, he gets jealous cause I am 5 yrs younger than him An he is mentally abusive. Calling me all kind of name where the kids can hear. I am a stand still with I know what I have to do but scared of doing it, I would like to file for divorce but I am scared
Thank you for all that you've written! Little bits and pieces of information helps different people deal with their own issue. I decided to divorce after I ended up in the emergency room of the hospital twice. My blood pressure went through the roof. That's when I decided that if I didn't divorce, I would not be around for my children, and their children. I read 'Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway' while going through my separation. That book truly helped to push me through the lawyer's front door. Life after divorce could be better. I do wonder though, are you brave to stay or brave to leave?
I tried to leave him last June and he got angry and broke into a room I was hiding in and threw things around the house. I am scared to bring it up again, even though he calls me a c*** a few times a week, and refuses to listen to any opinion I may dare to speak. I don’t have kids, but is it selfish to want to save myself?