A Divorce Diet. Lose inches and your mind.
Know what’s good about going through a divorce? Pretty much nothing. But I like to be a glass-half-full-kinda person so I did want to bring up one of the more positive aspects of divorce.
Weight loss.
Yes, lose your marriage and you will probably lose weight too!
Here’s how it works.
You are in the midst of legal separation, your body and mind are in constant turmoil. Your stomach and intestines don’t really dig constant turmoil and begin to express their displeasure. Your stomach feels like it’s eating its own lining. You experience strange colon “issues” whenever you eat things like, let’s say, food. This about-to-toss-your-cookies feeling comes often, and I’ve noticed especially in these situations:
Regurgitation/vomit inducing moments:
1. A voicemail from your divorce attorney. Is it bad news? Did he rack up another $1,000 in billing? Did you sign where you should have initialed?
2. Parent Meetings with your Ex: Not only will you have to sit next to each other. You might have to speak. And make eye contact. All the while sitting in very small chairs.
3. Opening the mail. Would you rather buy food, gas or pay the electric bill? Choose one.
4. Email from Ex: Is it an announcement of another round of legal documents?
So rather than deal with all that discomfort, just don’t eat. And when you do finally succumb to hunger and eat, ingest food that is small and bite sized. It saves your intestines work because it’s already in little pieces (I’m not a doctor and have never played one on TV, so don’t listen to me by the way).
Here’s my list of favorite divorce diet foods.
Cookie Dough Balance Bar. One of these can last a whole day. It has protein too so your body systems don’t completely shut down.
Goldfish. Tiny little fishies. Sneak 10 while you are packing your child’s lunch and call it breakfast.
Gummy Bears. They have happy colors so they can make us all happier, right?
Calcium Chews. They’re vitamins but look like candy and taste almost like chocolate.
Your daughter’s Gummy Vites: They have sugar and vitamins and are shaped like bears. Give your child two and take two for yourself.
For dinner, wash all of this down with whatever liquor, wine or alcohol that you happen to have in the cabinet or fridge. The rancid wine you’ve kept on hand for cooking will work if necessary.
So there you have it a divorce diet. This weight loss will be temporary so take lots of photos and enjoy it while you can, because eventually your body will adjust to the stress and you’ll gain back everything you lost. Diets, just like divorce, are temporary.
Did you lose weight during your divorce?
xoxo-Rosie
Great post, made me laugh because I remember this from thirteen years ago when I went through my divorce. I know its not funny but all I can say is as long as you have the alcohol around, you’ll survive :))
Nora
http://www.jacketsociety.com
Nora, thanks! Glad you can relate, truly, if I didn’t have wine I’d be in big trouble!
It is funny how many people lose weight during a divorce. It’s a lot of stress to deal with – probably a good time to take up walking or jogging to try to let off some steam – if you have any energy after not eating, that is.
John, So true! You’ve found that to be true as well? All that stress does make it so difficult to eat. Yes, walking, hiking or jogging has been my savior. It helps negate some of that bad, negative energy.
thanks for the comment/thoughts!
Rosie