Women and body image. Why do we have to hate our bodies so much?
I started on my first diet in high school, but the obsessing and hate for myself and my body started much earlier.
I remember when I started my period at 13. I went from boyish to curvy with softened thighs, a waist and a butt. What was flat was suddenly curvy. My body was changing, I was no longer in control. And I hated it. I would stand in front of the bathroom mirror and grab at my thighs so hard I’d leave purple marks. I even jogged around my neighborhood with a layer of plastic wrap underneath my grey old style sweatpants in an effort to sweat off my thighs. Not a good idea. For one, it was Arkansas in the summer. And what’s more, I was a size 2. A size 2.
Why do we as young women hate ourselves so much? I spent my entire twenties feeling incredibly flawed. I never measured up to some invisible standard. If I lost 5 pounds, changed my hairstyle, went from a size 6 to a size 4, maybe then I’d be perfect. I’d be worthy. And maybe then I’d stop hating myself. But I’ve been a size 6, 4, 2, and even a zero and it was never enough. I mean, I loved being a size zero. But that didn’t satisfy me either, I’d just find another body part to focus my hatred on.
There were so many events I passed up, so many things I didn’t do because I didn’t feel pretty enough or skinny enough. Now so long after, I understand that there is no such thing as “pretty enough”, or “skinny enough” if you don’t compare yourself to others. I now know there is only you. And you are “enough” simply because you are.
This post was difficult to write because my heart still hurts for the young woman I once was. Thankfully, she’s not me anymore. I don’t hate myself. I actually think I’m OK now. It only took me more than 20 years to get here.
If this post helps you, I hope you’ll pass along to another woman who struggles with her body image.
xoxo-Rosie