You’ve made it. You’re through your divorce. You’ve come out on the other side. Started dating and met someone AMAZING. Congratulations. You’ve made it official: you’re in a relationship.
But maybe you’re noticing that this relationship feels a little different than you imagined it would.
Once I divorced, met someone and started a serious relationship, I imagined that this relationship would feel just like my past relationships had. You know, a mixture of happiness, intrigue, newness.
Surprise. Once you’ve been divorced, relationships are way different.
Why? A couple of reasons.
The wall.
You might not realize it but you’ve probably built a wall. Just like China built a wall to keep out invading Mongols, you’ve built up a wall of your own sort to protect you from invaders of another sort. Men. Men who might do you harm, who might inflict emotional injuries by making you feel vulnerable. Defenses aren’t wrong. Boundaries and taking care of yourself is good, but it does create potential issues if you are starting a new romance.
Scars.
If you’ve gotten this far in life, you’ve got scars. Childbirth, appendectomies, falls off your bike when you were 5, run-ins with curling irons from the 80’s, we’ve all got our scars. And if you’ve been through a failed marriage, you’ve got emotional scars too. Not as visible as a 4 inch slash across your abdomen but way more powerful. Scars can be reminders of where we’ve been and why we left. Your emotional scars only mean that you’ve been injured and are stronger in those places that healed. Scars are there to remind you, you are stronger than before.
Where’s the carefree?
The giddiness of relationships is all good when you’re twenty and have no idea what can go wrong, but head down to the divorce court and you have in-depth knowledge of what can go wrong. You understand that relationships are not all sex with someone new and gazing into each other’s eyes. After a failed marriage, you realize relationships are serious. Even when you don’t want them to be. You know in your gut, in your mind and body what a breakup means. The hurt it inflicts. You can try to keep it all nice and light but those flashes of memories from the past keep reminding you that real, live, grown-up relationships are not all fun and games.
So if that new post-divorce relationship feels different, that’s to be expected. This relationship feels different because you are different. You are a different person who walked down that aisle so long ago. You are a different woman changed and recreated from all those things you’ve learned by surviving a divorce. Enjoy that person who’s so much smarter, wiser and in charge of her own emotions. A woman who looks out for herself. Enjoy this more evolved way of being in relationships, this is the new you.
View Comments (14)
This makes perfect sense. I have a couple of friends who have been through divorce, and I can see how their experiences are impacting their new relationships. Great to have this blog where you talk about things like this.
So very true, and not just for women!
Yes. It took me a few years post-divorce before I even tried dating. When I finally did and found someone that I wanted to keep around I almost didn't even go on the first date. And then for years, I refused to marry him because all I was worried about how complicated and financially devastating it was to get out of the first marriage. Luckily, I found someone who understood.
Divorce is a tragic experience. It is ashamed that it has to happen.
After a divorce from my wife of 33 years, I don't fully trust any one not even myself.
Man I know just how you feel. The last two years of my 22 year marriage was like better than the honeymoon phase or even when we were dating, which was three years prior to getting married then one day boom divorce. I came out pretty good with just having to pay her 50k in a buy out on the house and no child support because we have joint custody. Our kids are almost grown now but after finding out that there was someone else which that broke up before we were divorced he went back to his 5th ex wife lol. Yeah it hurts me so bad to think that I’m 50 and starting over again and my kids are greatly affected as well and she doesn’t seem to understand the ramifications of her selfishness. But dating now is waaaay different than when I was in my twenties. I as well have a big problem with trusting anyone at all. After dating for a while I just stopped because I just don’t believe that I’ll ever be able to open up my whole self to anyone again. Now days so many women are leaving their relationships for something better supposedly then at the same time you hear women say where are all the good men? Well sister it’s these dirtbag women thinking that the grass is greener on the other side screwing up the lives of their families that are the reason so go find one of these sleazy females and kick her ass . Because once divorce happens especially this late in life men get really distant when a relationship seems to be headed in a serious direction. I for one want to leave my children something other than debt. Also so many women are clueless about money and debt. Meaning that they want what they want when they want with no reguard for running up debt and it’s effects on the family structure. All this goes both ways for men as well.
I don’t think all women are looking for something better. I was actually pretty content with my marriage but was married to a narcissist who decided HE needed more. His loss. Don’t give up on relationships...there are good women with honest intentions who also know the value of a dollar. Look closely at the quality of the parents who raised them.
After a divorce it is very difficult to surrender 100% to another person, you remain very distrustful.
Married 34 years. Divorcing. Why? I was virtually invisible, merely tolerated, rejected emotionally, mentally, & physically for practically all those years. Her priorities were not what they should be: God, spouse, children, house, church, whatever. She just wasn’t interest in the relationship. Didn’t understand a man’s need for intimacy. Or just didn’t want it. Or just couldn’t give it. Or wouldn’t give it.
Men make love to feel loved; women need to feel loved to make love. I did everything I possibly could to love her and make her feel loved. Was I perfect? No, far from it. She wouldn’t receive my love. She refused counseling, outside help, and even just frank and open conversation. Especially about the hard & uncomfortable things.
Signed, heartbroken, grief stricken, and in shock.
Seems like you are describing my husband . That is exactly how I am treated :(
This was a useful read. I am not divorced: have never been married or had children. I am 18 months into a relationship with a divorcee who won custody of his two now grown but damaged and insecure children. His ex was and is an alcoholic. I am struggling with unpredictable menopausal symptoms. I love him as my long lost soulmate, I was 51 before I found him, he was 62.
I feel The Wall, mentioned in the article. My partner is emotionally spent, traumatised and rapidly disengages if I express any insecurity about our situation. Which,for me, is insecure. I have no status other than “partner”, no stake in our home, (his house, paid for). I pay my way and have assets but I fear that if something happened to him, I would not only lose him , but my home and this makes me hesitate to invest in it emotionally. Our home was formerly the marital home. Our bed is the former marital bed. These things undermine my confidence and I think, contribute to my feelings of insecurity, despite my efforts to overcome them. I used to have my own home and my own bed.But he says I am making mountains and looking for trouble..
I can completely understand, respect and admire his determination to put the past away but am struggling to feel that our current life is as relevant as his past
I don't know how to start dating after 23 years of marriage. I'm no longer in my twenties. I am afraid to open again for rejection but I don't want to be lonely. Ok am not desperate either but I am so tires of felling down and want to start smiling and leave a beautiful life. Ughhh is just plain awkward to even put myself in a dating site. Is like if ok am selling myself !!!! Not comfortable
I hope that you invest in yourself first! Join a divorce support group in your area, it was the most helpful thing that I did. It got me out of the house, and with people that were going through the same thing. It was a mixed group of men, and women, all age groups, and in all stages of divorce. I made good friends, learned a lot about myself, and had support throughout the entire process. We would have events that we attended as a group, and it helped me socialize, as well as, be comfortable around men again, without the pressure of dating. I waited 18 months before I even considered dating, and wasn’t ready for a long term relationship for a few years. Work on yourself first, and find joy in whatever you do, accept your new life, and be happy in it, whatever point you’re in. Dating just because you’re lonely, is a disaster waiting to happen, and you’ll end up lonelier, or desperate. That’s worse than being single. Good luck!
Seems like you are describing my husband . That is exactly how I am treated :(