Filing for divorce? 6 things I wish I’d known beforehand.

There are so many things that I wish I’d known before filing for divorce.

I would have saved time, money and heartache (maybe even some of my sanity) if I’d known these pointers before filing.  If you are filing for divorce, please, oh Lord please, pay attention to these 6 things and be prepared.

things I wish I'd known before filing for divorce. if you are in a separation and getting a divorce, here's some advice.

1. Getting a divorce is going to take twice as long as you think it will.

However long you estimate that your divorce will take to complete, double that number. Yes, double it. Why? Because of the court system, attorneys, your ex and your own indecisiveness. Double how long you think it will take and learn to live with that timeframe.

2. It’s going to cost twice as much as you think too.

Attorneys love divorce because it’s two people acting irrationally that will pay lots of money to make their former spouse suffer.  Cha-ching. Figure out how much you think you’ll spend and double that number. Once you stop hyperventilating, realize that this is probably how much you’ll have to fork over to your legal team. Now you get to figure out how you’re going to raise that much cash. (Organ harvesting? Pot store? Sorcery? A Kickstarter campaign?)

3. Your ex is going to hate you. At least momentarily.

It doesn’t matter how nice you try to be to your Ex, he’s going to hate you. That’s just how divorce works. Hopefully once the divorce is finalized, you’ll be able to mend your relationship. One day you might actually be able to be in the same room. Maybe you can progress to eye contact. Maybe. It’s something to hope for.

4. Don’t worry. His entire family will hate you too.

He hates you, so in turn his entire family will now hate you. Don’t bother sending a Christmas card or writing something nice on his brother’s Facebook page. They are gonna despise and detest you. That’s their job. You’re the enemy. You are to be group hated. Suck it up. On the plus side you will be a wonderful common enemy and his entire family will grow closer as a result.

5. You are going to feel like a big steaming pile of poo.

Feeling lost? Feeling sad? Feeling like you want to wear stained yoga pants and drink wine from a box? Yep. That’s pretty normal. It happens to everyone. Even those people who seem so outwardly unscathed are secretly eating cold leftovers alone late at night. This feeling-like-poo-phase will end. Promise.

advice when you are getting a divorce. tips if you are going through a separation or getting divorced.

6. Winston Churchill was right, especially if you are filing for divorce. If you’re going through hell, keep going.

I love this quote and I do hope that the great statesmen actually said it because it is the truth. I’ve tried every way I can to sidestep my own vacation through hell, but there’s no going around it. No secret passageways or side exits to get you around it. When you are in a divorce, the only way through hell is to actually trudge your ass right through the middle of it, keep on going, and hope that you make it out the other side.

You’ll be burned and bloody after your journey but hopefully you’ll emerge a bit wiser too.

What do you wish you’d known before you filed for divorce? What wisdom can you share?

 

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Comments

  1. says

    I’ve watched friends going through their divorces and know how mentally and emotionally draining this can be. Your post certainly would tell people what to expect.
    #blogsharelearn

  2. Anonymous says

    I love reading your post. Very encouraging! I am a young woman, who will soon be filing for divorce. I have moved out but very confused and very stressed about how to even start the process. Any advice would help!

    • says

      Stay strong and know that you will find answers as you need them. Reach out to other women who’ve been through this for support. We’ve all been there and learned the hard way. Love to you as you go through this really tough process.

  3. Caroline says

    I am done. But now I have to tell my husband I am done. WE were married for 25 years and the thought of continuing means I will lose myself. I love him but he doesn’t want me. I know part of him loves me and I know this is going to hurt him but staying will hurt me more. Our kids are grown and moved out. I held the family together for a long time until I realized I was the only one fighting to keep us together. So now I have no idea what to do and I know I need to do it soon. He told me he is not attracted to me, He told me when I started to lose weight (today actually, that I am starting to look sexy again – Jerk!” He doesn’t touch me or seem at all concerned about my welfare. I have begged, cried and cajoled and he thinks its just empty nest and I am overly dramatic.

    • Anonymous says

      Hi Carolyn..I too was married a long time..I know how u feel..its beyound words.hope to hear from you jan😊

    • Bstrong says

      Ditto Carolyn! Same situation…just needing to file and get it over with. We still have a freshman and senior at home but they are hanging in there!

  4. Jessica Campbell says

    I am recently separated, soon to be divorced, after 23 years of marriage. He is already dating which is killing me!! Will this heartbreak ever end and will I ever feel “normal” again??

  5. Cyndy says

    I am facing my 2nd divorce. My first marriage ended because he had an affair. I stayed in my 2nd marriage longer than I ever should’ve because I didn’t want to go through the awful pain of another divorce. But here I am again. My husband has had an emotional affair with a coworker and he has one foot out the door, and has almost the whole 20 years we’ve been together. I cry almost every night and have for as long as i can remember. I feel terrified about what I am going to do. I wouldn’t wish this pain on most people.

  6. JacKie says

    My husband served me with divorce papers, after 28 years. Now he says he was wrong, but I already answered the summons.
    I’m not sure how I should handle this, I don’t trust him anymore.
    We still live in the same house.

    • Anne Marie says

      Oh my friend. My husband surprise served me too with divorce papers. I had left the home about 15 months before (10/2015), thinking that we would work things through. About 2-1/2 weeks after he served me, I had to prepare my answer and realized how much an attorney was going to drag this out for THEIR benefit. So, I emailed him (first contact in 6 weeks) asking if we could do mediation. That opened the door for the “I miss you. Believe it or not, I still love you and want to know how you are doing.” Long story short… he came over and I thought WE decided together to make this marriage work (he withdrew the divorce papers before I “answered”. But, it’s been 11 months and we are back to the same nonsense we were at when I left the home in 10/2015. I realize now that he was panicked and pulled the papers because of that. He doesn’t love me or even attempt to love me any differently. I on the other hand did pray a lot of our marriage, am always willing to do what ever it takes … but him … not so much. He needed a cook, home cleaner, someone to sit beside him while he watched TV and ignored me, and bitched that I wasn’t finding a job outside the home too. So, round two of filing for divorce commences for Christmas 2017! Don’t stop the process … once you both are in this Divorce state of mind … it’s unlikely that the reasons you got to that point will have changed. I could have already been THROUGH the process – instead, I’m starting it all over again.

  7. Lisa says

    My husband of 21 years is divorcing me and with the woman 17 years younger than him of which he had an affair with. I’ve never made much money but have been in a job I absolute love. I’m worried I’m going to have to find another job and leave all (my kids) behind. I work with teen moms. But that doesn’t seem to bother him. My oldest if going to college next month away but just an hour and 1/2 away. I still feel like in the last 6 months I have lost half my family and shortly it will be just me and my daughter.

  8. Pattie says

    Wow, what clarity in this post. I am done, and just waiting for it to dawn on my husband. I’m just struggling with the why of it. I’m struggling to make sure I want the divorce for the right reasons. Anyone else wondered this also? 5 years of marriage down, 13 years together, the spark is totally gone. There is even some emotional abuse, and I’m just oh so tired. Anyone willing to reach out and chat with me would be greatly appreciated.

    • GB says

      I am done too. 24 years of marriage. It would be ‘easier’ to carry on putting up with him, but I am sick and tired of being depressed! I am scared but I know in my gut I must leave.
      I would love to connect.

  9. eileen says

    Thanks for this blog – I am married for 7 years and last month my husband told me our marriage is dead and he wants out. I am in my 50s and I am a foreign wife. I left my career and my whole life to come here his homeland after we got married and now he wants out.

    He do not want lawyers involved but I need one guide me. I feel so lost. Can someone here help me? Whats the procedures like? If he initiate whats the step like and what should I expect. We do not have children. I am in my 50s and he is in his late 50s.

    I feel so worthless at times. All I know is I have to get a job to start fresh

    • Anonymous says

      Eileen — you must see a lawyer. Your first consultation is free. He will guide you. You are entitled to 50% of everything. Don’t let your husband talk you out of not seeing a lawyer.

  10. says

    I have been married 28 years the last 4 only in paper! He discovered the internet and dating sights while working on location and I knew nothing for over a year! When I found a secret phone that looked exactly like is regular phone! My whole world shattered! We had problems of course who doesn’t but nothing that I thought couldn’t be worked out! He had found someone else well many actually but only one who knew I existed and didn’t care he wound up moving in with her! He has continued to pay mortgage on our home but that is all I also am still covered on his insurance plan! He has moved out of state to be where there is work and in the begining was mean and very hurtful. I have always worked but don’t make half as much as he does , he got the career I sacrificed mine to be with our children and take care of the home! Everyone keeps asking why I haven’t divorced him yet and my fear is that when I do than will have to sell the house I can’t afford to stay in it on my own and can’t imagine having some stranger live with me to help with the expense, living in CA. Is damn expensive and would have to rent a small apt with 2 dogs almost costing same amount as mortgage! I have gone over it so many ways there is just know way to survive here on my salary! I’m sure I would probably be able to get spousal support in divorce but will it be enough? Why should I have to leave my home because he wanted to screw other people! I gave everything I had to my family and my husband to make it warm and comfortable in our home and now I can lose it all at age 55! I just don’t know what to do leaving state is out of question at this time because I just became a grandma and don’t want to be to far away!
    I need advise from somebody who knows if letting my situation go on as it is, is hurting me in the long run? I’m scared to get divorce not because I still love my husband which a part of me always will but because I don’t know what will become of me if I have to leave my home! Any advice would be helpful!
    RVM

  11. Shaun says

    How about, instead of divorcing, you honor your commitment. You know, the part about till death do us part. Just because it may be broken doesn’t mean you throw it away

  12. John says

    My wife and I were married for 13 yrs and I divorced her out of the blue to pursue a woman 10 yrs younger. We were divorced 6 months. I realized how painful I made everything for my family. I asked to come home and she said yes. The first few years were hardest for her because she thought I only came home because I had no place else to go. A few years ago my wife developed back pain such she needed a walker to get around. We went for months of treatment and finally her pain resolved. Unexpectedly she told me,”You never have to tell me you love me again. I know from how you took care of me.” We are both retired now and in our sixth decade of life with 35 years being married. The point is there is always hope in these situations, no matter what.

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