Whoever said Christmas is for kids was speaking big truth. I’m trying not to get all Grinchy this time of year, but really and truly Christmas when you’re past 40 is pretty sucky. Here are just some of the top reasons why.
Reason 1. Glittery Christmas Sweaters.
I’ve bought several “festive” Christmas sweaters with sequins that I reluctantly put on for Christmas dinner. I feel like a Christmas traitor without some sort of bling. But let’s be honest, what adult woman actually looks good in a red, glittery sweater? Or a pair of light up red and green earrings that say Ho Ho Ho? Or a sweater with a puffy Christmas tree on the front? Unless you are five and still wearing sneakers that light up, I think NO ONE. C’mon, I’m already bloated from all those Christmas cookies and then slap me in a glittery oversized puffy sweater and you get the most unflattering pictures I’ve taken since 8th grade.
Reason 2. Ungrateful Children.
We live in a country where our kids already have so much. Oh, another ipad. Whatever. I’m kinda fed up with getting gifts for a child who already has so much. Does she really need another 20 presents that she stuffs into the piles of toys and games already in her room? This year’s gifts can go directly to her closet and be stacked on top of the never used gifts of Christmas’ past. The retro Polaroid camera. The origami kit. The make-your-own-scrapbook kit.
Maybe I’ll just rewrap one of those gifts stacked up in her closet. She’s probably never even notice…Or even better, I should send them all to some kids in Africa who have nothing and would probably love the hell out of an origami kit.
Reason 3. CVS end cap displays.
You know those displays on the end of the aisles at stores? Well, CVS has theirs stocked with lots of must have holiday gift items. Perfume, ornaments, antler ear headbands, stocking stuffers. They are savvy marketers, I suddenly NEED more chocolate marshmallow Santas and a Chia pet. Somehow I’ve spent $200 before I leave the store. And I have 3 pairs of reindeer antler headbands.
Reason 4. You Are Now the Gift Buyer
When you were a kid, you were the recipient of so much fun. Now you are the gift buyer, the gift giver. You not only have to spend a shit ton on Amazon. You are the one who has to wrap the presents, and then hide them. Which brings me to my next bitching point…
Reason 5. Where DID I hide those presents?
I try to squirrel away presents that I find during the year and save them until Christmas. That plan worked well in my thirties, but now past 40 I can’t seem to remember where I hid these presents. One year, I found a Littlest Pet Shop activity center in April that I’d hidden underneath my winter scarf pile.
Hiding presents is for people with good memories.
Reason 6. Christmas Parties.
OK, I do kinda love Christmas parties. I do. What I don’t love is the fact that I go there with great intentions to drink club soda and eat crudites and politely leave after one hour. What actually happens is that I drink red wine until I get burgundy teeth, eat my weight in cocktail nuts and stay until the party host starts vacuuming around me.
And then I wonder why I look so horrid in those glittery holiday sweaters. Can you say 5 pound weight gain?
Reason 7. Pine Bark
I have an amazing friend who brings over tins of this yummy gooey, crispy Crack like candy she makes each year called Pine Bark. She’s from Georgia so it’s some Southern voodoo recipe. I usually start by taking half of one piece. Then I eat the other half of that one. Then I continue to eat half pieces until the entire tin is empty. Gone. Oh Pine Bark you bitch. I adore you. Now add at least 2 more pounds to that holiday weight gain number.
Reason 8. Divorce
Divorce sucks during the best of times but during the jolly season of good cheer, it’s a laughable downer. Why? On a day where most people get to relax and open gifts, you get to drive all over Los Angeles, picking up or dropping off your child. It’s Christmas with a stopwatch. “OK, we’ve got exactly 48 minutes to open presents, take pictures and be merry! Hurry up!” The only person that Christmas Day sucks more for than the parents are the kids who get to dash between families and pretend that they haven’t already eaten at the other house.
Reason 9. The Salvation Army Kettle.
I have a guilt problem. I can’t walk by a Salvation Army bell ringer without dropping something into the red pot. I once had to do that exact duty for a civic project. Once you’ve stood outside a grocery store in 30 degree weather begging for change, you’ll never walk by without throwing something in. This is great except I drop way too much money into way too many kettles. And I wonder why my bank account is empty on January.
Reason 10. January.
It’s all fun and games until January. Bleak. The-party’s-over-now-January. That month when you actually have to look at your bank statements and realize how much money you blew through being all cheery. Those plastic Santas, and little stocking stuffers put a huge dent in the bank account.
And then you actually decide to step on the scale.
Neither Bank of America or the bathroom scale lie. They remember all the money you spent and all the Pine Bark you ate way back in December.
Like I said, Christmas over 40 sucks reindeer balls.
Merry, merry, happy happy!
xoxo-Rosemond