Other people were supposed to get old. Not me.
I know, I should be thankful about being over 40. I should be joyful. But I’m not just over 40, I’m staring 50 square in the face. And I’m pissed.
Don’t misunderstand, I’m so thankful to be here, to still be walking the planet. I can think of lots of friends who didn’t get to see 40. And I cherish this time.
But I have to ‘fess up. I’m kinda pissed anyway. I wasn’t supposed to get OLD. That happened to unfortunate people you see on Nightline.
Here’s some reasons getting older has gotten me totally pissed off.
Elbow wrinkles:
I didn’t even realize that you could get wrinkles on your elbows. Now I realize I’ve been walking around displaying elbows that resemble the face of a small pug. Why didn’t anyone tell me?
Sleeping Face:
You know when you wake up and there’s a huge crease across your face from face planting into the pillow? Well, that face crease now stays until around lunchtime. It’s usually more of a divot than a crease. People ask you if you hurt yourself. No, not injured by a hot iron, just a face crease that doesn’t go away.
Rice Krispie Knees:
At first I thought I’d stepped on something as I was walking down the stairs the other day. Then I realized that crunching noise was coming from my knees. It sounds like I’m grinding a plastic bag of Snap Crackle and Pop every time I take the stairs. How long before my hips and ankles join the chorus of crunching noises?
Does this mean that the 3 and 4 inch heels will have to be retired soon? Sweet Baby Jesus say it isn’t so.
Toenails that would make the grim reaper run.
My fingernails are like rice paper but I now need garden lopers to trim my toenails. I’m almost embarrassed to get a pedicure in case they don’t have clippers strong enough. Before long I’ll have the feet of Grandpa Munster.
And my neck, don’t even get me started on my neck.
Nora Ephron wrote an entire book about feeling bad about her neck and I get it. Nora, darling, wherever you are I so get it. The worst part of your neck is in photos. I can forget about my growing turkey waddle until I’m confronted with it in a photo. And yes, my neck resembles a Shar Pei.
I adore dogs, really I do, but I don’t adore having a neck that looks like a Shar Pei.
Not sure what a Shar Pei is?
This is a Shar Pei, the wrinkly dog breed from China.
Neck wrinkles are cute on a puppy. Not so cute holding your head up.
As I see it we need to have some other options available to us. The selections are somewhat limited.
There’s dying. OK, maybe not.
Or getting old. Hmm.
Can’t there be another option? Maybe a coupon or limited time offer only for the first 100 callers?
If I get a vote, I’d like a third option, a way to keep counting off the birthdays but not have to totally commit to that wrinkles and senility thing.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still trying to keep it together. I’m even trying to look stylish over 40 and even use Stitch Fix to help me find some ways to incorporate cute clothes into my daily life.
So let’s not give up, Shar Pei neck and I’ll, mama’s still gonna keep on trying!
xoxo-Rosie