My Divorce is Almost Final. And the Feelings Aren’t What I Expected.

My divorce might be legally over soon. I don’t know exactly how I feel about that.

On a recent morning, I hung up the phone with my divorce attorney. “I think we are done”, he says.

Done. A word I’d wished for so long to hear. Done. As in, you might finally be legally divorced.

After almost six, yes you read that correctly SIX, years of being legally separated, my divorce might finally be sputtering to a conclusion.The fight might be over. Yes, I might finally be done.

One day in the near future, I will be getting a bulky packet of legal papers shoved in my small apartment mailbox. In that yellow overstuffed manila envelope will be a stack of unintelligible paperwork bearing an official looking stamp and an signature from a judge who has no clue who I am. Somewhere in an ugly florescent lit building in downtown Los Angeles, this person will decide that my marriage is over. At this exact moment, an almost 20 year relationship is officially done.

I thought I’d be dancing at this news. Toasting with champagne. Getting dressed up in a little black dress and high heels and throwing myself a girl’s night out. Singing Pink songs about female empowerment at the top of my lungs.

After such a long battle, I thought that I’d feel elated. Excited.

But I don’t feel anything like what I’d anticipated. Instead of elation, I’m feeling empty. Empty and exhausted.

I’d heard stories of women who threw themselves “divorce parties” complete with champagne, noisemakers, hats and wedding style cakes iced with horrible sayings about your ex. That’s not me. A party like that feels mean spirited and just icky.

my divorce is almost final and the feelings aren't what I expected.

Celebrating this event in my life feels so very wrong. This is not cause for celebration, it’s cause for introspection.

 

I feel less like partying and more like going and sitting in the woods somewhere alone and quiet to think about what the end of this chapter of my life truly means.

This is a major event in my life. I want to mark and feel the weight of its importance.

I  want to respect the importance of that period of my life. I don’t, in any way, want to cheapen the meaning of the death of a marriage.

So, when I get that big folder of signed papers crammed inside my mailbox months from now, I will be the woman sitting by herself staring into the distance. I will not the woman drinking margaritas and dancing on the bar.

 

 

 

Comments

  1. Patricia says

    It’s been a little over 3 1/2 years since we separated. Probably 5 years before that we were struggling to keep it together. I would have to say that like most things it’s never exactly what you think it will be. Feelings come in waves of grief still over the loss of a relationship that lasted all of my adult life. We still are raising our kids and have another long haul to go. I still find the irritating characteristics that led to our divorce irritating. No need to mention. With that said and also knowing since his marriage we have no chance of reconciliation I can openly say the characteristics about the man I chose to marry that I loved…well that hasn’t changed either and I try not to spend anytime around him to consider them. They are now only blessings I hope and pray are passed down to our kids. Nothing is all one emotion all of the time.

    • says

      So beautifully said. I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess some sort of jubilant “Yay, it’s done!” But like you, I spent my adult life with this person. We share a child and so I think this entire process is tinged with sadness for me. 19 years is a long time to be with someone and I don’t think the pain of that loss goes away anytime soon. Thank you for sharing!! xo

  2. says

    You are a wise woman. I completely relate to your feelings. My divorce was a relief, but also sad with a good dose of emptiness and a dash of regret that we had been unable to hang onto the love that had once been there. It is indeed a time ripe for introspection and self reflection. My wish for you is that this be the beginning of the healing and that you emerge stronger and even wiser. Blessings to you Rosemond.

    • says

      thank you! Yes, you know that feeling of emptiness and loss. It is a time for introspection and reflection, I don’t want to shortchange myself and lose the lesson!! xoxo-R

      • Mary Ann says

        I’ve been divorced for two years now, and was married for 32 years and have three grown children. I also feel emptiness, grief that seems to never go away even though he was horrible in so many ways and I should feel happier without him, plus he is already engaged to another woman. It hurts that he moved on long before we were even divorced, and I seem unable to do just that

  3. says

    I think it’s really important to acknowledge those years together and the loss that comes with divorce. There might be time for celebration down the track, but it is really a kind of death and it’s important to allow some time for grieving before you move on to the next stage. I wish you all the best and I’m glad your journey is coming to a conclusion at last.

    • says

      It is a death in so many ways and it is important to acknowledge that incredible loss after all those years! Thank you for your kind wishes!

  4. Jen says

    March 11, will mark three years since my divorce was final. I spent 10 years married to, 13 years total with this man. This man who was supposed to be my bat friend. With every passing day, I think there must be something wrong with me, because I am as devastated today as I was three years ago when my marriage ended. They say time heals all wounds, however for me, it seems to be a wound that will never heal…at last not as long as we are co parenting. Best of wishes to you on your new journey.

  5. Lucie says

    ive always wondered about those who celebrate the death of a marriage. To each his own, So much is lost. Funny inside jokes, laughing over one of their wonderfully funny stories, endearing things you loved about them. Losing the witness to your life is heart wrenching. Even if it was you who left… All I can say is, you were with them for a long time for good reason. Try not to forget that, even if leaving was the right thing to do.

  6. says

    I understand what you’re saying – but at the same time, I was totally ready to celebrate. Problem is – it’s not over. We have kids.

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