Mom Jeans Are Back, because obviously someone forgot how ugly these things were the first time around.
The 80’s are back and I’m not happy. Just when I’d finally made peace with lowrise jeans (OK, so 20 years after they debuted but who’s counting?) it seems that the fashion Gods have decided that Mom jeans are once again stylish.
Because I live in LA, Ground Zero for questionable fashion trends, I’ve gotten to see this latest fashion trend up close and personal. I’ve seen countless pretty young things rocking their ironic mom jeans. Waistbands up underneath their ribcages, acid washed, with pleats, and yes they look adorable. And fashionable. Hee hee. I get it. Jokes on us. These show offs with perfect long legged bodies are proving they are so hot they even look sexy in a pair of the unsexiest denim ever invented. For moms.
But lets get real.
When, like these LA model types, you are 100 pounds, you could wear a big green Hefty trashbag and look fabulous. So this isn’t a good measure of what a trend will look like on mortals. Especially mortals like me who are now over 40.
Here’s why you won’t catch my butt in a pair of mom jeans.
Too much fabric.
My body could handle high waisted mom jeans 20 years ago when I wasn’t a mom but my anatomy is no longer able to handle all that fabric. Around my middle. Mapping out every flaw. Here are two examples of boyfriend jeans or subtle flares that are way more flattering.
Where does your muffin top go?
With lowrise jeans you can let your muffin top flow over the top and hopefully hide that tire with a loose fitting top. But where does it go with a zipper a mile long. Do you try to stuff it down? Fluff it up? Do you let is overflow and pretend it’s a peplum?
Tummy Tuck In?
What do you do in mom jeans? You have to tuck your tummy IN, so do you then have to go up 2 sizes to accommodate the belly, but now you can swim in the enormous legs. Plus what do you do with those side rolls that live where your waist used to be? Not to mention the continual butt wedgie these jeans produce.
Denim Thick Enough for Pioneers in Wagon Trains.
These were jeans made long before lycra and spandex, no stretch, no give and denim dense enough to last several generations. Do you remember the crotch burn we used to suffer from a day with that industrial grade denim scratching our lady parts? Burn, baby, burn.
There are probably piles of pristine mom jeans left over in landfills that never fully disintegrated. These tough jeans were meant for tough mom who did unglamorous jobs like burping, feeding and shopping at WalMart.
So who’s the bastard who decided it was time to revisit high rise jeans? Must be a man who’s definitely not a fan of moms.
jarmoluk / Pixabay
What ugly trends are up next I wonder.
Is it time to break out my Keds and sweatshirt again too?
Side ponytails? Scrunchies? Bibs? Hillary Headbands?
Maybe for the youngsters it’s an exciting new trend to try. No thank you. I remember 90210 and Friends from the first time around.
I had a modified “Rachel” hairdo. I’ve got picture somewhere to prove it.
In case you’ve forgotten mom jeans, here’s Tina Fey’s SNL skit on Mom Jeans and the women wearing them who’ve given up being sexy.
“I”m not a woman, I’m a Mom!”
My worst fear is that fashion decides that all other denim style will be over and I’ll be forced to zip my sausage torso into a pair of dowdy mom jeans with a mile long zipper.
Please fashion designers, leave me with a little dignity and some stretch fabric in my jeans. And please leave the over the waist denim trend for women who actually still have waists.