How not to look like a complete and total idiot if you see a celebrity in LA.
I live in Los Angeles, a town full of famous people.
You are accustomed to co-existing with celebrity types. I mean, these people have to drop their kids off at school, pick up prescriptions, or get cavities filled at the dentist just like the rest of us common folk.
You get used to seeing them. Mostly. But sometimes it’s still starling. You’re in Trader Joe’s and suddenly-boom. A very tall Conan O’Brien appears from behind an avocado display. It’s probably a lot like going on a wild animal safari in Kenya and seeing a lion dart out from behind a big bush. Celebrities are like lions, not totally real until you make eye contact.
So I thought I’d put together a list to help you out in case you come to LA. Here are some tips on how to handle any potential celebrity sightings and not make a total ass of yourself.
First off, it can be hard to tell if that is in fact your favorite actor. Here are some ways to tell.
Is that a homeless man or Leonardo DiCaprio who just walked into that vintage shop on La Brea Avenue? That’s probably Leo. You see, the bigger the celebrity the more their wardrobe choices resemble someone who’s living out of a car. It’s the star’s way of proclaiming “I’m so handsome, I don’t even have to bathe and I still look amazing.”
Another dead giveaway? Facial hair.
That guy with the ratty overgrown beard? Just another Academy Award winner hiding his flawless features and chiseled jawline beneath an out of control beard. (By the way, this facial hair rule does NOT apply to female stars.)
There are other rules for spotting female celebrities.
You’re going to have to look really hard to spot a female star. The really famous ones are so tiny and thin, they can be hard to actually see with the naked eye. The larger, and less famous ones, wear a size zero. If you want to see a celebrity, a great place to find her might be in line at Starbucks, or Coffee Bean because they drink caffeine in place of eating actual food.
So if you see someone who has amazing hair, flawless skin but looks like she needs a sandwich, that’s probably a star. She’s busy starving for her next role.
Now that you can spot them, don’t lose your sh@&.
Don’t scream an actor’s most famous movie line at them. For instance, if you see Tom Hanks walking down Sunset Blvd., don’t scream “Run Forrest Run” from the window of your rental car. And don’t call out song lyrics either. If you are lucky enough to see Brittany Spears emerge from a Range Rover at her favorite juice bar, don’t yell out, “Brittany, I’m not that innocent!” Don’t do it out-of-towner.
And stop with the selfies. Don’t chase your favorite TV actor out to the valet stand and make him wait while you try to figure out how to take a decent selfie with your new iphone. I know you need to post it on Facebook, but let the guy get home to his family.
Another tip, don’t flag down an actor on the way to his car and yell out: “Hey, you’re THAT guy from THAT show!” If you can’t remember his name or the show he’s on, you aren’t really that big a fan anyway.
Another celebrity no no? If you see Kaley Cuoco from The Big Bang Theory, don’t freak out and yell, “Hey, you’re Kaley Cuoco from The Big Bang Theory.” She already knows her name and probably even the name of the sitcom she’s been starring in for several years.
The exception to any of these rules would be a Kardashian sighting. If that happens, swarms of photographers will appear from nowhere, running into traffic and jumping onto parked cars. Might remind you of a scene from The Walking Dead. For your own safety, duck and cover in place until the storm of paparazzi has passed.
Now you know the rules if you see a celebrity in LA. Hey, you’ll be so cool they might just think you’re somebody famous too who just jetted into town for some premiere.
And by the time you leave LA, you’ll probably be so used to seeing celebrities, you won’t even want to post it on Facebook when you run into Ryan Gosling at Rite Aid.