4 Things You Need To Know to Save Your Marriage. From A Woman Who’s Divorced.

My blog is about divorce and so my posts are, you guessed it, usually about divorce. But today I wanted to talk about marriage instead. I’ve learned a crap ton about divorce, yes, but surprisingly I’ve also discovered a lot about marriage.

Here are 4 important points you need to know if you want to save your marriage. I wish someone had told me about these tips before it was too late for my own marriage.

Advice on staying married from a woman who's divorced.

As with most things in life, you learn by making mistakes. And so, I learned about marriage the hard way; not by being married but by getting a divorce.

Here are some important tips I’ve learned on staying married to pass along to those going through marital turmoil. These tips might save your marriage and an expensive trip to the divorce attorney too.

1. If it’s upsetting you. It’s worth bringing up.

If something bothers you. Speak up. NOW. Maybe your spouse says something that hurts your feelings. Undermines you. Is dismissive.

Whatever it is, you are hurt, but don’t want to bring it up and start a whole argument. It just doesn’t seem worth the hassle.

But trust yourself. Anything that is big enough to upset you, is worth arguing about. Because those feelings of hurt or anger you’ve got won’t go away. They will just get buried.

Which brings me to my next point.

4-things-you-need-to-know-to-save-your-marriage. marriage advice from a woman who's divorced.

2. Buried feelings don’t go away. They take root and grow. 

All those hurts you haven’t brought up. All those slights you ignored don’t go away. They multiply.They attach themselves to every single feeling you’ve got about your spouse.

The feelings will surface at some point. Usually when you are arguing about a totally different topic.

Say you’re arguing about who picks the dog poop up in the yard, suddenly all those buried feelings of anger you’ve been suppressing come exploding to the top. You are now no longer arguing about dog poop you are now arguing about dog poop AND his Mother. Those feelings won’t be ignored.

3. Date Nights Don’t Work.

If that is the only time that you do things together as a couple, hate to break it to you, but one night a week is not going to save your marriage. Dinner and a movie do not a marriage make.

It’s a night out, not a miracle.

Yes, it’s a good idea to schedule time just for the two of you to go out; but if that’s the only time you spend time together as a couple, then you are already in trouble.

4. Don’t Put Off Counseling. 

Too many couples put off marriage counseling until it’s way too late.For many, the marriage is already beyond repair before they ever sit together on a therapist’s couch.

Counseling has a better chance of working if you go while there is still a marriage to save. If you think it might help your relationship, don’t wait. If your goal is to stay married, call a marriage counselor ASAP. Counseling seem too expensive?

One final thought.




  1. Anonymous says

    Good Lord, Ive been wanting to write this article for so long
    right on sister, these are all spot on

    love these: If you think marriage counseling is too expensive, try divorce

    Its a night out-not a miracle.

    Damn brilliant.

  2. John K says

    Wow, I learned too much to write here. I think one of the most important things is this: don’t try to change yourself to fit in. Be your authentic self. That’s true for anyone’s life but it takes on a lot more importance in marriage. Know yourself and what’s important to you. Keep a healthy sense of yourself. Self esteem builds bonds so don’t let anyone take that away from you.

    • says

      thank you so much for stopping by and sharing. it is so hard to be yourself and not lose your sense of self in a relationship. Now we know! so appreciate you stopping by and saying hi!

  3. says

    I admire your candor and willingness to share lessons learned. One of the reasons I’m glad I waited until my mid-forties to get married is that I got to learn these lessons without having to go through the legal uncoupling (as I’ve said before, it’s not that I didn’t make mistakes, I just didn’t marry them!). By the time I tied the knot, I had a better sense of who I was and how to speak up for myself. Great post.

  4. says

    We just celebrated our 35th anniversary and these are so true. You have to talk about your feelings and get everything out in the open. And, yes, one date does not a marriage make!

  5. Marlene says

    We’re celebrating 25 years this month. So much of this is spot on. I think date is not a band aid, but it’s sure nice to take a break from the kid hamster wheel 😉

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